Don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy

Motions. Moods. Monotony........ Monday.

Tuesday, however, brings the same drizzles, the same overcast, the same need to crash on the couch to watch world class athletes exercise for you. The same.

Sameness. More and more it's not the battle of sameness that I seem to fight, just the battle to recapture the spirit of living. Routine is not bad. Habits aren't the enemies. It's purely the motivation and purpose behind the action. That's all.

Some may think that I'm selling out.
To who I wonder? To God? Really? Does drinking mean selling out? Does sex? Hmm...

All I know (and see) is when life cripples/blinds/maims you, leaving you wiping feces off your linen pants because you can't even feel that sensation anymore, I want to be certain that I had more of a life than anxiety. Of whether I am good enough for people to allow me to be on the list to get into Heaven.
I will love (and love deeply) whom I choose to.
I will laugh/scream/cry and finally let my emotions have a say in my behavior.
I will not be afraid to be vulnerable.
I will drink. Swear. Be reckless with my gas money.
Take the time to read every long novel, with a dash of "juvenile" literature.
I will recognize the system. I will acknowledge its rules. I will play when I need to.
But I will not whore myself out anymore. I will not be a surface acquaintenace. Today at least.
I will love God. Deeply.
I will follow Christ to the best of my ability and understanding.
And I will do that... and the above things mentioned.
A scheme? A test? A selfish list of wants and needs?
Possibly.
Or.
A simple guide to life. A summary of the new and old testament. A chance to experience life differently. To embrace all that is forgiveness and love. A chance to be rambunctious. To fail. To relish in the humility that is humanity. A chance to really see people. All people.
All I want is that chance.
And I will not have it stifled out by religious dogma or social anxiety.
I will love.
And that is all.