kind of a lot of things...

Kind of...

Growing into adulthood.

I have crossed the line. I don't know when I stepped over the chalk outlines of my adolescence into this new reality of speaking with my parents about sex, politics, and alcohol preference, but the realization brought my cloudy eyes to light. I go where I want on my own. I eat what I want (or what I can afford). I spend time with whoever I want. I've become comfortable with the freedom of choice. It's old hat now. What were once crucial issues are now simple preferences based on simple prerogatives. Soon, not only will I be feeding myself and wiping my own ass, but I'll be paying my car, health, life insurance all on my own. What a thrill that will be.

In love.

Fear. Fear of loss. That was (kinda still is) the initial overwhelming feeling once I realized how deep into an emotion you can be. Sure I went through the giddiness. The doubt. The infatuation. But now. Here I am. I've always wondered how far in you can get before you know it's actually real. Now I know. And I only go deeper with him. I can convince myself that true love has no fear in it, chant myself to sleep as I deny the fact that inevitably, one day, he will be gone. Whether by emotional dissatisfaction or plagues of locusts, he will cease to be in my life. And that's what hurts the most. Loving him so much, and experiencing the loss even before it happens. Within that love. Being prepared for it, trusting in him, trusting in my ability to survive, spitting in fate's eye as I accept the destiny given me. I know I can survive. I just don't want to have to try and find out how without him. That's all.

Unsurely Sure.

I have no idea about the rest of my life. I have no idea about the rest of this week. I'm fighting every urge to uproot and move to a secluded town in far off...somewhere. But then I want him with me. But then I want to be near my Mom and Dad. And then what if... what if. The what ifs are a pain in the ass. They keep people from moving forward. The put fear into people when it ought not be there. But I guess this week has to happen before next week comes, so I guess I'll try to make the best of it. Hopefully by living not with the what ifs, but propelling off of the things already given me. Like assurance. Support. And of course love. And a pair of blue eyes that light up my world. So no more what ifs for now. Let's just be alive in love this week.